Work Text:
Say, Light, do you like reading books?
I do. It is one of the hobbies that have remained with me since childhood, although I don’t read as much fiction as I used to anymore. Why do you ask?
Because, Light, you’re in the library of everything.
The Library of Alexandria?
The Library of Alexandria. Bad Books.
‘Bad books?’ Is it all the low quality literature that has ever been written? Every detective book in a soft paper cover and every porn magazine in existence?
We have those here, too. But aside from those we have everything that has ever been written—or thought—by a human person. Every book that has ever been published, every shopping list and every teenager’s anxious spiral before a life-ruining exam.
You still haven’t told me why they are ‘bad’. Are you calling Shakespearean plays bad literature?
They are not bad because of their quality, Light. They are bad because they—these particular copies I have here—are bad for humans in the most straight-forward way.
Do these books what, kill?
They do kill. Each and every one of these books, or paper scraps, or transcripts is poisoned.
How are you not dead, then? How am I not dead?
I have built up tolerance from working here. And you are not dead because you haven’t opened any book yet.
And you’re just telling me this? Why? Why does this place even exist? Are you some kind of a murderer? Do you tell this to everyone? Are these books ever read at all? Why is it like that!
You are panicking. That’s—
I’m not panicking!
—understandable. Let’s start from the beginning. This place exists because some place needs to exist to store every word. Think of it as, like… mm…
A hard drive?
Yes, you get it.
Why do they need to be poisoned? Wouldn’t it be more logical for them not to be? This is like a mad dream and not at all like a library…
They need to be poisoned because it is a mad dream, Light, and you are dying. This place is exclusively for—
What? I am dying?!
You should stop interrupting me, Light. It’s rude. Yes, you are dying. This place has been made for dying people. So that they can read something and uncover some truth about themselves or just find solace before they go. Because I am a very altruistic man.
If you truly were altruistic, you wouldn’t poison the books. You would just let them be here as long as they want. You still haven’t given me a normal answer to why they need to be poisoned. I think they don’t!
And I think they do, and who’s running this place?
That’s so not a good argument.
People are going to die. People have to die. That’s the cleanest way I’ve found to achieve that. I can’t exactly murder everybody who comes through here myself. That’s exhausting and astonishingly boring. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Can’t you just let people die here? Since they are going to die anyway and they have to die?
Do you think I haven’t tried that in millennia that humans have been dying?
Well… no?
I have. And it is messy and unclean. Wooden beams fall and crush their skulls, and the floor cracks and they break their neck falling to the basement, and some venomous bug flies in and they shit all over the place before dying in a feat of diarrhea. Who do you think has to clean this all up?
So even if I don’t read a book…?
You will still die. And I’ll be cursing your name every day while you rot in hell.
…
Go pick a book, will you? The queue here is endless.
What books do people usually choose?
Again with the questions.
I need to make an informed choice for the last book I’ll ever read.
People don’t usually read fiction, that’s for sure. The only exception I can think of is porn.
Well, I’m certainly not here for that.
And why not? Going out with an orgasm seems to be fun. Oh, wait! I’ve had a man here about five thousand entries before you who found a copy of the fairytale book his deceased mother used to read with him.
How touching.
He was crying the whole time. People cry here often, I’ve noticed.
No wonder. Are you going to cry, Light? I do not like when I have to console people.
No.
You didn’t even doubt that I console crying people.
…
Go on, I don’t want to be stuck here with you forever. What can I recommend you? Psyching yourself up before having sex with the girl you hate by Light Yagami. A classic read! Here’s another one: Rationalizing away your grief by the same author. An all-timer, truly! A multi-chapter. Coping with the crushing guilt of leaving behind your unsuspecting family members—a bit of a mouthful, sure, but a fascinating study into—
Can you shut the fuck up?
Language, Yagami!
Why are you the one responsible for this, huh? What’s making you so special? You’re just as human as everyone!
Because I wanted you. And because, frankly, there is no one else who can. Before I took on the job—after dying myself, obviously—this position had been empty for thousands of years. Do you imagine the length of the queue? You’re probably being processed centuries after your death.
Wait. So, what you are saying is…
Yeah. All dead.
…
You really should have expected this.
Are there any books that aren’t poisoned here? Surely you didn’t manage putting poison on everything.
Like I said, no one reads fiction. So, I mostly haven’t bothered with it, and I’m applying poison on a case-by-case basis. And…
And?
There is also one book that is simply too big and that no one ever reads.
Which is…?
The Death Note.
But it’s not a… ah, right, ‘every written word.’
Exactly. Did you know that every death note in the world is a reflection of a singular one Death Note that belongs to a Shinigami King? That is why most of the rules exist the way they are.
Does that mean that every name that’s ever been written is…
In that Death Note, yeah.
…
You want to read it, don’t you.
…
…
…
Oh, that is my name in there.
…
…
…
Oh, and that is Lawliet. Didn’t think he’d ever be…
…
And that is yours. Would you like to put it down now, or…
…
…
…
Well, at this point it was more putting her out of her misery, you see. Though the date is really symbolic.
Did you do it?
I can’t alter what is written in the books. So, no.
…
…
…
…
Sayu?
Your family member? Told you they’re all dead.
But that is not fair at all! Why would anyone…
Didn't you know that people die without a reason to it?
…
…
…
…
Would you like another book now? You could flip forever, but that’d change nothing. And I don’t want you making a mess when your time comes.
Any other recommendations?
Your university essay On the Problem of Mitigating Factors in Criminal Law?
This will do.